I keep wondering if it's meant for us to start a family or not. I think that's the wrong way to look at it. It's not a matter of being meant to be or not, but how we are going to start a family. Perhaps it's not if we will or will not have a kid but how we will. We do have options available to us.
Ugh...I'm tired and thinking about this is making my head hurt.
Tomorrow
Wednesday, March 3, 2010
Tuesday, February 23, 2010
Blog or watch Lost
I was watching (rewatching) the second episode of Glee yesterday with my husband. Terri went to have an ultrasound and the doctor told her she was having a hysterical pregnancy. The scene ended with the doctor telling Terri that she will get pregnant if it is meant to be. I hate that. What does that mean? Okay, I'm not an idiot, I know what it means. And I know it is tv. But, I've heard that said to me before. "You'll get pregnant if it's meant to be." Well, we are spending a bunch of money. So, if it's not meant for me to have a kid, I wish someone would tell me. And tell me soon.
We want a kid. So, I'm not sure how "meant to be" pertains to us. So, if its not meant to be, do we just stop trying?
I'm confused. Angry. Scared. I'm scared that saying does have meaning to us and it's not meant for us to have children. I'm angry that this takes up so much of my time and there is an unkown truth out there and I don't know what it is. And I'm confused as to what that damn saying means to me. And what would it be like if it does pertain to me. I mean really, it never ends.
I'm not a quiter and we want a family. I want a healthy, beautiful baby that has my husbands hair and eyes and my sense of humor (I am funnier than he is, after all) and smile. My genetics (discussion saved for another blog) are out of the picture because my egg quality is compromised by my age.
At what point do I say that it's okay... that it's not "meant to be".
My husband and I make all decisions together. We may not always agree at first, but we do get there. I can't image making that decision. In fact, we only talk about what we are going to do next. We have not discussed the option of quitting. Although, he has assured me that it's okay if we don't have kids, but not once have we talked about QUITING. At some point, we will have to quit. The money will run out. And it will run out soon. But, maybe I don't need to worry about that now. I can just focus on now (it won't be easy, but I'm not a quiter) and what we need to do for the next step. Whatever that may be.
Okay, I feel better, my contacts are getting foggy and it's almost time for Lost. I will visit again tomorrow.
We want a kid. So, I'm not sure how "meant to be" pertains to us. So, if its not meant to be, do we just stop trying?
I'm confused. Angry. Scared. I'm scared that saying does have meaning to us and it's not meant for us to have children. I'm angry that this takes up so much of my time and there is an unkown truth out there and I don't know what it is. And I'm confused as to what that damn saying means to me. And what would it be like if it does pertain to me. I mean really, it never ends.
I'm not a quiter and we want a family. I want a healthy, beautiful baby that has my husbands hair and eyes and my sense of humor (I am funnier than he is, after all) and smile. My genetics (discussion saved for another blog) are out of the picture because my egg quality is compromised by my age.
At what point do I say that it's okay... that it's not "meant to be".
My husband and I make all decisions together. We may not always agree at first, but we do get there. I can't image making that decision. In fact, we only talk about what we are going to do next. We have not discussed the option of quitting. Although, he has assured me that it's okay if we don't have kids, but not once have we talked about QUITING. At some point, we will have to quit. The money will run out. And it will run out soon. But, maybe I don't need to worry about that now. I can just focus on now (it won't be easy, but I'm not a quiter) and what we need to do for the next step. Whatever that may be.
Okay, I feel better, my contacts are getting foggy and it's almost time for Lost. I will visit again tomorrow.
Monday, February 22, 2010
The first step is always the hardest
Hello world. This is my moment. My place. A place that I need to visit. Regularly. The past year has been difficult for me and my family. The past year?! Nope. The past two years.
That's how long we have been trying to get pregnant. I didn't think it would be that difficult. I read a couple of books. Started taking and logging my temperature every day. I would pee on a stick on or around day 10 until it told me that I was ovulating. Then the fun would ensue. Every other day for a week. Then we would wait until day 30. Then I would pee on another stick that would tell me if I was pregnant. Or, in my case, not. Every month there was hope. Every month it was obliterated.
We saw my doctor, who prescribed Chlomid. Ugh. I won't bore you or take up space with the facts that are chlomid. We didn't get far with it. So she referred us to another doctor. An infertility specialist. Never in my wildest dreams would I have thought I would end up in an infertility specialist office. More drugs, my dear husband got proficient at giving me shots in my belly. (A belly that was growing because of the weight I was gaining because of the drugs!) Every month there was hope. Every month it was obliterated.
One IUI and two IVF cycles later, we are broke and I am tired and scared. I got pregnant in October with our second IVF cycle. But I didn't keep it.
I am torn as to what to do next. Adoption? A third cycle? Donor egg? There are many options. You know the saying, "You will have a child if it is meant to be" I hate that saying. We have decisions to make and I have no idea on where to begin.
I guess that is a good beginning for now. I feel better.
That's how long we have been trying to get pregnant. I didn't think it would be that difficult. I read a couple of books. Started taking and logging my temperature every day. I would pee on a stick on or around day 10 until it told me that I was ovulating. Then the fun would ensue. Every other day for a week. Then we would wait until day 30. Then I would pee on another stick that would tell me if I was pregnant. Or, in my case, not. Every month there was hope. Every month it was obliterated.
We saw my doctor, who prescribed Chlomid. Ugh. I won't bore you or take up space with the facts that are chlomid. We didn't get far with it. So she referred us to another doctor. An infertility specialist. Never in my wildest dreams would I have thought I would end up in an infertility specialist office. More drugs, my dear husband got proficient at giving me shots in my belly. (A belly that was growing because of the weight I was gaining because of the drugs!) Every month there was hope. Every month it was obliterated.
One IUI and two IVF cycles later, we are broke and I am tired and scared. I got pregnant in October with our second IVF cycle. But I didn't keep it.
I am torn as to what to do next. Adoption? A third cycle? Donor egg? There are many options. You know the saying, "You will have a child if it is meant to be" I hate that saying. We have decisions to make and I have no idea on where to begin.
I guess that is a good beginning for now. I feel better.
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