Blog or watch Lost

I was watching (rewatching) the second episode of Glee yesterday with my husband. Terri went to have an ultrasound and the doctor told her she was having a hysterical pregnancy. The scene ended with the doctor telling Terri that she will get pregnant if it is meant to be. I hate that. What does that mean? Okay, I'm not an idiot, I know what it means. And I know it is tv. But, I've heard that said to me before. "You'll get pregnant if it's meant to be." Well, we are spending a bunch of money. So, if it's not meant for me to have a kid, I wish someone would tell me. And tell me soon.

We want a kid. So, I'm not sure how "meant to be" pertains to us. So, if its not meant to be, do we just stop trying?

I'm confused. Angry. Scared. I'm scared that saying does have meaning to us and it's not meant for us to have children. I'm angry that this takes up so much of my time and there is an unkown truth out there and I don't know what it is. And I'm confused as to what that damn saying means to me. And what would it be like if it does pertain to me. I mean really, it never ends.

I'm not a quiter and we want a family. I want a healthy, beautiful baby that has my husbands hair and eyes and my sense of humor (I am funnier than he is, after all) and smile. My genetics (discussion saved for another blog) are out of the picture because my egg quality is compromised by my age.

At what point do I say that it's okay... that it's not "meant to be".

My husband and I make all decisions together. We may not always agree at first, but we do get there. I can't image making that decision. In fact, we only talk about what we are going to do next. We have not discussed the option of quitting. Although, he has assured me that it's okay if we don't have kids, but not once have we talked about QUITING. At some point, we will have to quit. The money will run out. And it will run out soon. But, maybe I don't need to worry about that now. I can just focus on now (it won't be easy, but I'm not a quiter) and what we need to do for the next step. Whatever that may be.

Okay, I feel better, my contacts are getting foggy and it's almost time for Lost. I will visit again tomorrow.